Breaking the Cycle: Why We Repeat Unhealthy Patterns (and How to Change Them)

Have you ever found yourself repeating the same mistakes in relationships, falling into self-destructive habits, or pushing away the exact opportunities you say you want?

You might recognize the pattern, feel frustrated by it, and yet—when faced with the choice to do something different—it doesn’t feel like a choice at all, and you still end up back where you started.

This isn’t a failure of willpower. It’s the result of deeply ingrained emotional patterns that shape the way we navigate relationships, self-worth, and intimacy. Understanding why we repeat these cycles is the first step to breaking free and moving forward.

Why do we act out past experiences instead of making intentional choices?

From a psychodynamic and attachment-based perspective, our unconscious mind plays a significant role in the way we relate to others and ourselves. Many of the patterns we struggle with—whether in relationships, work, or emotional regulation—are shaped by early experiences and learned survival strategies.

The way we connected (or didn’t connect) with caregivers as children impacts how we approach intimacy, trust, and emotional security as adults. If you learned that love was conditional, unpredictable, or even painful, you may unconsciously recreate those dynamics in adulthood.

Psychodynamic theory suggests that we unconsciously repeat unresolved emotional conflicts in an attempt to master them. Freud coined the term “repetition compulsion” to describe this phenomenon in his 1914 paper, "Remembering, Repeating, and Working-Through," then built upon it in "Beyond the Pleasure Principle” (1920) which linked repetition compulsion to the “death drive”—a force that pulls humans toward destructive, cyclical behaviors beyond the pursuit of pleasure.

If you grew up feeling unseen, you might find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable partners who make you feel painfully rejected—not because you want to suffer, but because you’re seeking a different outcome from a familiar script. Many self-sabotaging behaviors—whether it’s overworking, numbing with distractions, or struggling with intimacy—are actually coping mechanisms for deeper emotional discomfort.

If vulnerability was never modeled for you, avoiding intimacy can feel safer and more intelligent than facing rejection.

These patterns don’t just happen to us; they are the result of adaptations our mind has made over time to keep us emotionally safe. The good news? Once we bring these patterns into awareness, we have the power to interrupt and move beyond the cycle.

Breaking free from self-sabotage isn’t about “just trying harder.” It’s about understanding what’s driving your behavior and learning to respond differently. This work is demanding, immersive, and transformative. Here’s a template for where to start:

1. Identify the Pattern

Ask yourself:

• What situations or relationship dynamics seem to repeat in my life? Examples might include emotionally unavailable partners, imposter syndrome at work, or periods of neglecting your physical health.

• When I find myself self-sabotaging in my relationships, career, health, or personal growth by overanalyzing, procrastinating, self-isolating, ignoring my needs, or not setting boundaries (as just a few examples!), what emotions or fears am I avoiding?

  Many people struggle to name and understand their emotions, but there could be underlying shame, guilt, unworthiness, anger, or grief at play, or perhaps a fear of rejection, failure, or disappointment.

  Emotions often manifest physically before they become conscious. If you close your eyes for 10 seconds and do a body scan—where do you feel the most tension? What’s that tension trying to tell you?

• What early experiences might have shaped these patterns?

  As a few examples: perhaps you grew up in a highly critical or unpredictable environment, and now you’re experiencing difficulty trusting your intuition and making decisions. Maybe you felt invisible or emotionally neglected by your caregivers, and now you’re struggling to reach out for support when you feel lonely. Perhaps you grew up witnessing your parents neglect their own self-care, leading you to feel guilt when you need to rest or prioritize your health.

The goal here is awareness, not self-judgment. You can’t break a cycle you don’t allow yourself to fully see.

2. Get Curious About the Underlying Need

Every self-sabotaging behavior meets a psychological need—whether that’s safety, control, or avoiding pain. Instead of just stopping a behavior, ask:

• “What am I protecting myself from?”

• “What emotion am I avoiding when I engage in this pattern?”

Understanding the why behind your behavior helps shift the focus from self-blame to self-understanding.

3. Practice Small, Intentional Changes

The key to rewiring patterns isn’t one big breakthrough—it’s small, consistent shifts. Try:

• Responding differently in a familiar trigger situation. If you usually shut down during conflict, try staying engaged for a few moments longer. If you usually overanalyze texts by trying to interpret hidden meaning before responding, try taking a deep breath and responding based off what’s actually written rather than making assumptions. Do you typically handle overwhelm by avoiding your responsibilities? Break the task into 5-minute chunks and take small steps.

• Noticing when avoidance shows up— Instead of numbing with work, social media, or other distractions, practice sitting with discomfort.

• Seeking deeper connections—if emotional intimacy feels threatening, start with small acts of vulnerability. Express a small personal preference. Share a mild discomfort you’re experiencing instead of hiding it. Give a genuine, small affirmation to someone instead of keeping it to yourself. Vulnerability is a muscle—if you start small, over time, it will feel safer and easier.

These shifts won’t feel comfortable at first—that’s normal. But discomfort is where real change happens.

Changing deeply ingrained emotional patterns isn’t just about knowledge—it’s about having the right support system to help you navigate these shifts. Therapy provides a space to untangle these patterns, understand their origins, and develop new ways of engaging with yourself and others.

If you resonate with these struggles and want to explore them further, I encourage you to consider working with a therapist to support your healing journey.

You can reach out to Pierce Street Integral Counseling Center for sliding-scale therapy options:

📍 Pierce Street Integral Counseling Center

Breaking the cycle starts with awareness—but healing happens in connection. You don’t have to do this alone!